Friday, April 6, 2012


Have a seat over there, I have a story to tell you.

I haven't told this story to many people, but a few do know it.  It's about a friendship I had to walk away from.  (I know, poor grammar, shut up) And sometimes it hurts to have to do it, but you have no other choice.  Let me tell you all about my story.

So years ago I made friends with my friends girlfriend.  Both my husband and I were friends with the guy so her becoming part of our lives was pretty seamless.  One day she  & her son were just a part of us.

It was all good because she was a good person.

And she liked to gossip like I did.  (I try to be better now and only gossip about the really good stuff, like the friend that has a stripper pole in her bedroom and her daughter thinks it's too help support the ceiling.  And don't ask because I'm not telling you who that is! LOL)

As our friendship grew I realized that I giving more then I was getting.  But being that kind of person that is always there for everyone else, I just accepted it.

I would listen to her talk on and on about her problems with her mother, her sister and her son.  Throw in her boyfriend, eventually husbands inability to do anything around the house too.  Ok, we all have problems but as we get older we learn to change the things that drive us crazy.  Or learn at least to stop complaining about them. 

Going on vacation with your parents every year and then complaining the whole time is not a vacation.

Being friends with a woman at work who is nasty to everyone else in the office, do you think she's not talking about you to everyone else the way she talks about everyone to you?

Hoping that your mother is going to change and suddenly treat you as well as she treats your sister, unfortunately she showed that was never going to happen and that was HER fault, not yours.  But you wouldn't listen to me. 

Oh and let's not forget how much you complained about your mother in law.  

I used to get in the car for my hour ride to my in-laws house, put on the hands free for the phone and call her just so I knew I'd be occupied the whole ride there.

Don't think I got to talk though... at least not for more then 5 minutes or so.  And as soon as I tried to talk about something, she'd immediately turn it all back to about her and her problems.  I can't say she was a "woe is me" but more of a "can you believe this shit".

But it was the same shit over and over again. And in GREAT detail.  Not only would I hear about what was going on, but what everyone was wearing, the temperature, how their hair was styled, on and on and on.

And I'd call her out on it occasionally in either a straight forward way or a passive/aggressive way.  "Is it mine turn to talk now" or "before you start, I want to tell you something."  Sometimes she'd get it, but mostly it was in one ear and out the other.

It dawned on me one day... no it SMACKED me in the face one day that she just did not care about other people.

She had called me on her way home from work for lunch.  It was very short trip but she called me almost every day.  This one day she says "are you kidding me???" I figured someone was driving stupid and I was going to have to hear how this 1998 Ford Mustang was doing 45 in a 40 and the blonde haired guy, well not really blonde more of a dirty blonde with grey eyes, had crossed onto the yellow line about 2.5 inches and was SO close to crossing the road and hitting here.

Nope, it wasn't that.

She was complaining that she was stuck at a green light because a funeral procession was going through the red light.

"Don't these people know there are people trying to get places on their lunch hour?  They need to schedule these things better!"

I was dumbfounded.  Was she really complaining about a funeral procession?

Yes, yes she was.  I asked her "are you in the lead car?" (meaning the hearse)
 Her "What? No"
Me "then quit complaining"


That was the beginning of the end.  She got mad at me for selling the dress I wore in her wedding (that was almost as expensive as her dress, but we won't get into that). 

Then came the fateful conversation that once I hung up the phone, I knew I'd never call her again.

thejerseyshoredad & I had a very very rocky time in our marriage.  It was awful.  I called her looking for a shoulder to cry on,hoping that we could have a conversation about me and what I was going through.  As I'm pouring my heart out to her I suddenly realize she's not really listening.  She's talking about the cheese & croutons in her salad with her husband.

For 5+ years I've listened to her for HOURS on end about every single problem in her life, repeatedly and the ONE time I needed her, she wasn't there for me.

She couldn't be there for me.  She didn't know how to be there for me.

I stopped my conversation short and told her I had to go and I never called her again.

To this day I don't even know if she understands why I walked away.  I spoke with my therapist about it once and she told me that more than likely, even if I had explained it to her, she probably still wouldn't get it, because that's just the way she is.

So I walked away.  It really wasn't that hard.  While our husbands were friends, even that friendship wasn't as close as it once had been. 

So the moral of today's F post is Friends are supposed to be THERE for you, and you for them. They are supposed to support you and lift you up, just like you do for them.  You are supposed to celebrate your happiness and cry in each others arms when needed.  And occasionally you get together and have a few drinks and make new memories so that when you're old and grey and barely remember each others names, you can try to piece the stories together and then laugh some more.

There isn't any room in a real friendship for negativity and petty bullshit.

Don't think just because you've been friends a long time that you HAVE to stay friends with someone who makes you sad or hurts you.

And if you need a shoulder to cry on or want to rejoice with someone, you can always contact me!  I'm not the perfect friend, but I try hard!

1 comment:

  1. Sometimes you really do have to just walk away. It's amazing how long so many of us stay in toxic relationships like this. I've had a few over the years and just like you one day it just hits you. I'm glad you were able to get away from that negative drain on your life.

    Anna@ Herding Cats & Burning Soup